here was my comment.. "You know I used to really thing that this “what were you thinking” attitude was how everyone would view me when my husband and I have kids (we are waiting till he has kids so I can stay at home and I leave the workforce. I mean that is the idea that seems to be everywhere in our culture…. however, when I actually TALK to people that is not at all the response I get. Generally, people are actually jealous. I went to a liberal college for my undergrad and graduate work. And yes I got a few people who would look at me like I was crazy when I would say “I am only working till I have kids.” Why spend all that money on education if I don’t plan to use it? But most people would say “oh that’s neat, it would be great to stay home with the kids” or “i wish we would of been able to do that.” Even my sister wishes she could stay at home with the kids, and her family has way different views on raising children than we do (they are not religious and very liberal… we are religious and pretty conservative). I am finding that people would rather stay at home…. whether its to be able to spend time raising their children or just because they don’t want to work, I don’t really know. However… many people just aren’t willing to make the sacrifices it takes to be a one-income family. They like their “toys.” When you have one income, you don’t have as much money (most times) so you might not have the nicest and greatest things… To us, the sacrifice is easily worth it. To be able to get to spend that extra time with our children is so much more desirable and important to us. Me staying home was something we talked about before we were married…. We both have student loans like crazy and my husband got seriously ill a few years before I knew him, so he has medical bills too. We just set our budget so we can work on paying these off very aggressively, so that when I do stay home it won’t be such a stress on our income. We have zero credit cards too… we saved and paid cash for our new car too… These are just things you need to be willing to do if you base your budget on 1 income, so that you don’t have the financial stress of debt and bills and can really be comfortable with your decision."
Here are my additional comments....
@Emma. Ultimately it
comes down to what you and your husband believe God is calling you to do. I am not sure if you are familiar with the
wife of noble character discussed in Proverbs 31… If not… I encourage you to
pick up a devotional about it. But, many
of the traits of this woman deal with working….. (v 13, 17, 18,24 to name a
few). This woman does work! After going through numerous studies about
this chapter (I am even now redoing one I did as a single woman) I don’t think
working outside the home is against God’s will.
I am not a scholar in this area, and I am sure many people could offer
me evidence on the contrary, but again, ultimately it comes down to what you
feel God is telling you. If you haven’t
already… pray about it. Have your
husband pray about it. Your parents…
Your church, your friends… etc. All I know is that in my studies… this P31
woman works. Whether that is in the home
(she is also creative and makes things- maybe she sells those) or outside of
the home, she works with “eager hands.”
God will lead you to what he wishes for you and your family. But what are your reasons to work? Because of
the money or because it is God’s plan for you and your family and you are doing
it to provide for your family’s needs.
To often, we focus on the money and not on the fact that it allows our children
to be fed and clothed and a roof over their heads. And, yes it is useful for woman to pursue
demanding careers… God might be calling them to work in those careers and if we
are following God’s plan… he will find a way for those debts to be paid.
@ Susan. I agree that
before we are married, it is important for woman to pursue an education and
possibly a career. Attending college
(and paying for it myself since my parents were unable to pay for it) taught me
a lot of skills that will benefit my children one day… managing money, meeting
deadlines, creativity. I also learned
many things about what I liked and didn’t like.
And I didn’t get married till my mid-20s… was I supposed to sit at home
and wait for a husband to appear? No,
God called me to be active, to better myself and that is what college did for
me. And for many years I felt God was
calling me to a life of singlehood and he was for that period of time. When he did drop my husband into my life I
was a totally different person. My time
of singlehood forced me to learn the skills of cleaning the house, paying
bills, planning meals and grocery trips, managing schedules, etc…. I didn’t
need these skills living under my parents roof---they did most of this for
me. While they taught me how to do it…
Until you actually have to do these skills on a daily basis you really don’t
learn them. Living on my own, I learned
these skills, so that when my husband came into the picture, I didn’t struggle
with managing our household… It was a role I fell naturally into it. And what if my husband wouldn’t of followed
God’s plan to be single for awhile? He
was 33 when we got married! If he would
of ignores God’s call I never would of met him and we wouldn’t be together.
@ Willie. Being a homemaker is not a first century idea! Do you know what homemakers actually do? God’s call for us as woman is to become like the P31 woman…. And have you ever studied that? This woman does everything. She is superwoman. My husband and I had a long discussion about what this woman is and isn’t. This woman WILLINGLY does what she does so that her husband is blessed and doesn’t have to worry about that stuff so he can focus on what God calls him to do. After talking about different traits of this woman… my husband turned to me and said “you know I want to thank you. I was feeling a little like you got the easy part in this marriage, you get to stay at home (someday) and spend all day with our children and not worry about a thing while I work all day long and come home to tired to do anything at home, but now… well I am not sure I can ever thank you for everything you do for us and will do for us. I changed my focus to thinking about what you actual do and it’s a relief to know that I can focus on working hard at my job and not have to worry about things falling apart at home. Even now, without children, you do so much. Even on days you do work… I come home and the clothes are washed, the house is cleaned, all my meals are there, the bills are paid. No wonder you always look so tired.” I do work (just recently found a job after being laidoff… work 3 or 4 days outside the home) yet, I haven’t onced ask my husband to take on any of my roles. He goes to school twice a week and works twice a week. I still do everything for our family I have done the last year we have been married. I actually do more because I am studying about the P31 woman and finding some areas I have neglected (I am not the most creative woman, yet we are called to be craft and creative and make things). Do you know why I (we as P31 woman) do these things for our families? Not because the Bible tells us so… but because God calls us to and we want to live God’s plan for our lives… And we do it because we love our families. We love our children. We love our husband. And we want to work our butts off for them, so that they can focusing on living out God’s plans for their lives. And as I said before, yes we work (as you pointed out the P31 woman women works). But where we work, that’s between us, our husbands, and God. For some… it means selling things from the home (my mother bought an embroidery machine and embroiders stuff to sell to other people, my neighbor opens her home to other working mothers and watches and teaches their children while at work, I work 3 to 4 days outside the home… and once we have children I will work in other ways). For some woman they WORK by making sure they don’t waste their husbands income. Their work is clipping coupons, watching for sales, watching for ways to save money, cooking, cleaning, planting and tending a garden for food for the family. Not all JOBS have a tangible currency. And as already mentioned. What a woman does (or a man for that matter) is between them and God. And how is raising children not cultural?
@ Lily… again its between you, your husband and God. If God is calling you to work outside the home, I don’t think this interferes with God’s design for your life. In the post it talks about how we were meant to be helpers for our mates… working outside the home might just be one way you help your husband.
@Mindy… I am finding that as my husband is in school to be a
nurse… that I actually wish I had some nursing/medical background. I am actually picking up some books about
this stuff, because I don’t feel I can really help him in those areas, like he
needs. Like today he said “I need a few
more video clips for my Miller’s wheel presentation. What is Miller’s wheel? So today I plan to research what it is so I can
find some clips for him… so that when he comes home from work today, he has
what he needs to finish his project.
@Hannah… I had this same miserable time in my marriage. Our first few months were miserable. I learned the domestic stuff when I was
single… I didn’t learn the Godly marriage stuff. Our communication skills were horrible. Neither of us knew our “place” in our
marriage. We hadn’t talked about our
ideas for the marriage. We were both so
miserable we wanted out. Actually, it
took me losing my job for things to get better- we were at rock bottom had nowhere
else to go but up. I started focusing on
myself and re-read books I read as a single woman, about the P31 woman and I
realized I wasn’t being who God was calling me to be…. I never was one to “hear
God on a daily basis” but as I was praying one night about becoming the P31
woman I clearly heard God say “this is my plan for you and it brings me such
joy that you have finally accepted it.”
Our marriage still isn’t where it needs to be. But as I move towards becoming this woman and
talked to my husband about it, we have had so many conversations about our
marriage and hopes/ideas for it. And we
are finding much more common ground then we did before. And it hasn’t been easy… I had to let go of
my pride and admit to my mother (different story) that I needed her help. She is super crafty and I am not. And I knew that part of the P31 woman was
being crafty, so I have had to actually ask her to help me make some things. And then when she became suspicious (we don’t
have the best relationship, another area to work on), I had to be open with her
(and many other people along this journey) why I want to be able to make
things. I don’t want my children to go
through these same problems. I want to
prepare them (with both informal and formal education) with the skills they
need to be married and have a family- diapers, crafts and all. As for the sacrifice… maybe try thinking of
it as a blessing. To me, sacrifice still
has negative aspects to it. But a
blessing has only positive. It a
BLESSSING you got to quit your job and stay home with your beautiful children. You didn’t sacrifice anything… you gained so
much!
@Amanda… I have told many of liberal teachers and college
students alike that I want to be a stay at home mom… many ask why I am at
school then… even now I am taking ASL classes and a few have asked why… Why not?
Who says I can’t better myself by education. I plan to use my skills by subbing/interpreting
every once in a while, but what if I didn’t.
I can teach my children ASL. I
have a psychology/sociology and education degree too… I can definitely use
these skills in my home…
@Joleen… Your identity might not be based on your career…
but when you’re 90 years old do you really want to be known as a woman who had
an “established career?” Or do you want
to be known as a woman who “lived God’s purpose for her life” or “was a
blessing to her husband and praised by her children” I know what I want to be!
@matt… I actually
went to a school where it was often joked about that “people (men and women) go
here to find their spouse” Needless to
say I didn’t find my MRS degree at that school, or any other school, since I
was in between educational pursuits when I met my husband (I met him at the
other place people joke about finding their spouse---church). But as mentioned, these phrases are usually
joked about, there may be some people who goes to these places to find their
spouse…. But most people just happen to find their spouse there…. I found my
spouse when God dropped him into my life… it was God’s plan for us to meet at
church, not mine. It’s all about focus…
are you there to meet a spouse or there to pursue God’s plan? As for my father… he knows I want to stay at
home and even though he also knows I spent 100,000+ on my educational pursuits
(which he cosigned for), he doesn’t see it as a waste. He is proud that I went to college and he
will be proud of me no matter what I do… if I am following God’s plan for my
life. He knows my heart…. My heart wants
to follow God’s plan and because he knows that… we are able to joke about me
getting my MRS degree at church. Isn’t
that what you want for your girls? For
them to follow God’s plan for their life?
If they do go to college and get degrees and then give it up to raise
children are you really going to be disappointed? Or are you going to love and support
them-which is what they need!
@Amber… maybe it should of said “It’s God plan for me?” God speaks to people in more ways that just
through the Bible. Yes, I think if you
are going to share your ideas you need to make it apparent that it applies to
you and maybe others. I read my Bible
every day. I also pray. And in my prayers and time with God is what I
get what “God says for me.” Yes a lot is
from the Bible… but I don’t think the Bible provides all the answers… at least
not directly… most of it is interpretations (heck unless you read the original language,
it’s all interpretation). We get our
views from how we interpret what we read… what God is telling us through what
we read. I believe God also speaks to us
through prayer, fellowship with other believers, and daily life.
@Deanna…. Have you prayed about it? Ask your husband why he wants you to quit…
maybe he has been praying about it and it is what he feels God’s plan for your
family is. IF you do quit now, maybe its
so you can work on preparing your home for children… being a helper for your
husband…. Allowing you time for other
pursuits (involvement in church and community).
Maybe you don’t ever have children… only God knows. Which is why it’s important to talk to him(God). And yes, others have thought about it. I am only a final project away from finishing
my Masters in Education. After finishing
my student teacher in secondary social studies I discovered that was not for
me. So I didn’t finish. Then, I got married. My husband knew it wasn’t what I wanted to
do, but he kept encouraging me to finish.
(you’ve come this far, even if you don’t use it-which I had no plans to
at the time- at least you finished).
Flash forward 2 years to now…. I still haven’t finished… but now I have
a desire to… God has called me to. I
lost my job in May and we won’t be having (or trying to have) children for at
least 2 years. My husband and I have
been praying about what to do… with him in school, finances have been tight… well, one night during prayer it was like a
light bulb went off “finish your degree, then take a second test (all that’s
required to get certified in another area) and go get a job teaching elementary
students. You love kids.” At first I kind of ignored it… till a friend
suggested I teach in a different field than my certification. Second time that idea popped up. So that’s what I am doing… finishing my
masters, then doing what I have to get my certification in a elementary
education. Maybe God isn’t calling you
to finish now… but maybe a few years down the road, if you don’t have children
he will call you to finish.
@Valerie thanks for that… I didn’t read the welcome page
about Nancy. If she is an author, then
she herself works at a job that brings in income, so she herself does more than
just be a mom…. Further support that just because we are called to be mom’s,
doesn’t mean we don’t “work at jobs with incomes.”
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